quirm.net » humour

Modern Web Design

rich — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 09:02:17 +0000

Time spent actually designing anything: 5%
Time spent trying to get the layout to work in CSS: 18%
Swearing: 12%
Time spent making the site W3C compliant: 5%
Time spent trying to get the CSS to work in Internet *&^!?*@ Explorer: 40%
Time spent wishing a slow painful death on Bill Gates: 10%
Time spent on accessibility and user testing and testing and testing…: 10%

Computers

rich — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 08:58:31 +0000

Computer: a device designed to speed and automate errors.
“…File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)”
A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
A computer is like an Old Testament god – lots of rules and no mercy.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.
A feature is a bug with seniority.
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
For some of us, reading the manual is conceding defeat.
Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.
He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
I had a life once… now I have a computer and broadband.
I haven’t lost my mind. I have a back-up somewhere.
If at first you don’t succeed, call it Version 1.0.
It looks like, very soon, everyone on earth will have 15 Megabytes of fame.
It was typical for programmers to shorten ‘The Year 2000 Problem’ to ‘Y2K’. It was exactly this kind of thinking that created the problem in the first place.
Multi-tasking: Screwing everything up simultaneously.
My computer NEVER cras…
Real men don’t use backups. They post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.
Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
The only truly secure computer is one buried in concrete, with the power turned off and the network cable cut.
To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human. It is downright natural.
When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

Web Design Laws

rich — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 08:53:54 +0000

Brain surgeons, plumbers and lawyers need training to do their jobs, but anyone with a computer can be a web designer. In fact, anyone’s nephew already is.
The colors a client requests will always look hideous on any monitor and look nothing like they did in print.
Your client will love your design, then proceed to change everything about it.
Clients who ask for “simple” changes usually want to alter the entire menu layout and all custom graphics.
All clients insist they will send you content immediately. None do.
10% of your time is spent building the site. The other 90% is spent waiting for content.
If you ask for copy, they will send a Powerpoint presentation. If you ask for images, they will send a Word document.
All clients are experts at knowing how long it should take you to do anything (even when you don’t know yourself).
Clients expect you to answer their emails instantaneously. However their replies to you will take months.
You will be provided with several possible photos and none will be useable. Or they will be so huge it will take weeks to download them in an email, and a monitor the size of Texas to optimise them.
If a graphic artist provides you with images for a site, it will take you 10 times longer to adapt and optimise them than if you created them yourself and you probably won’t be able to open the original files anyway.
There is no stock photo in existence that matches the image in your head.
The best way to find errors in your code is to show the client a “new feature”.
The client will ask you to be creative, then tell you they want a site exactly like their competitor’s.
If two designs are shown, a third will be requested. If a third is provided, one of the first two will be chosen.
If you bid for a job, it will take 10 times longer than you estimated and amass pages you never dreamt of.
Whatever your estimate, it will double due to additions the client insisted he didn’t want originally.
A client will ask for something “professional” and then proceed to inform you he wants every blinking, whizzing, whirring, twirling, boinking gif that exists – plus music.
Clients don’t care about accessibility or clean code – only that it’s “pretty”.
The clients that can most afford your rates will complain the loudest.
It’s your fault they aren’t number 1 on Google and nothing is selling.
It’s also your job to psychically create content.
All clients think you work for the “recognition” because their finished site will get lots of traffic from people who will want to use your services. So you don’t need to be paid this year…
A client who knows exactly what he wants is often worse than one who has no idea.
Proof raeders are useless. Global search an replace doesn’t. Grammer checkers don’t, either.
No matter how good tech support is, no one has ever heard of your problem.

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rich — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 08:49:13 +0000

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